Plan B is the new Plan A
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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