I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
