Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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