Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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