i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
