Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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