Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
