i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
