You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
