If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
