im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
