I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Im part way to drunk.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
