He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
