Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
