I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
