Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
