he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
