My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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