omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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