Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
