How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
