so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
