do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
