naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
