I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
