she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That accounts for only three of the penises
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
