Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's get the cat blown out
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
