Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
