dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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