mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
