Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
