My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
