I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
