i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
