dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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