I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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