Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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