I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
