Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
