last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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