So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
