Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
