Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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