Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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