Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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