I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
