it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
