Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
