I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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