You just made me feel so damn special
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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