on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
