Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
