Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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