Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
