Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
