I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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