Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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