Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
