i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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